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Posts Tagged ‘skullduggery’

Alright people, I realize that it has been forever and a day since I’ve last blogged (literally) and I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I could come up with a whole litany of excuses as to why I haven’t typed any words in this word box thingy for the better part of three months, but most of them would probably be untrue and unconvincing, so what’s the point of even trying to come up with any? I’ll just make amends by posting this monster list of 69 New-fuckin’-Year’s resolutions for you’ll to chew on. How many other blogs out there in the cyberworld would provide you with this many resolutions, goals, hopes, dreams and pie-in-the-sky aspirations for 2009? That’s right, none of them would. Just me. So here you are, faithful readers, and here’s hoping to considerably more blog entries courtesy of The Crain Train in 2009.

69 New Year’s Resolutions For The Year of Our Lord, 2009 A.D.

1. Sleep in later. No more of this getting up at the crack-of-dawn nonsense. It’s not healthy.

2. Add a couple of new restaurants to my fast food lunch rotation. I’d like to see myself eating less Subway and a little more Wendy’s this year.

3. Oh, and some more Pollo Feliz.

4. Shave my beard with an actual razor that has an actual blade at least once without drawing blood and/or crying afterwards.

5. Break the land speed record…for gettin’ in a chick’s pants!

6. Adopt a Palestinian baby and an Israeli baby. Name them Pal and Izzy, respectively.

7. Come up with a new way to resolve long standing geo-political conflicts with some sort of competition involving babies.

8. Finally take that trip to Nigeria that I’ve been planning for the past few years.

9. Invent a Guinness Book of World Records video game.

10. Change my shoelace tying procedure from “over, under, around and through” to “over, under, in and out.”

11. Try to think of the name of the Nickelodeon game show that Mike O’Malley hosted before “Guts.” You know, the one with picto-grams and stuff.

12. Start smoking and then finally quit (and for real this time )

13. Get through at least one article about the AIDS crisis in sub-Saharan Africa without laughing hysterically.

14. Win an old school, one on one, no holds barred, east-side vs west-side rap battle.

15. Discover 40 species of microscopic, algae-dwelling proto plankton.

16. And kill them.

17. Finish at least 2 New York Times crossword puzzles each week.

18. Figure out a way to steal my neighbor’s issues of The New York Times.

19. Finally get out into my workshop and finish the dang entertainment center that the old lady’s been nagging me about.
20. Become a best selling author by learning how to fly-fish and then writing a humorous, anecdotal memoir about how learning to fly-fish is a metaphor for life.

21. Grow eight inches.

22. Write a kid’s movie about talking animals that live on the prehistoric super continent of Pangea.

23. Exercise for 45 minutes everyday after work, completely naked except for wristbands.

24. Put aside $20 from each paycheck to donate to the Ku Klux Klan.

25. Stop peeing in the shower, especially when I’m not taking one.

26. Start dressing in something nicer than just t-shirts and jeans when stalking high school girls.

27. Try harder to say “dork” instead of “dick,” because it sounds funnier.

28. Also “porno” instead of “porn.”

29. Clean out my closet, sell all the stuff that I don’t need or haven’t used for a few years and donate the money to the Ku Klux Klan.

30. Take a speed reading course and read the complete works of William Shakespeare in 25 minutes.

31. Cast an informed and well researched vote in this year’s U.S. Presidential election.

32. Train for the Boston Marathon and run in it while completely drunk.

33. Climb on top of the tallest building in the city and do a back flip off of it.

34. Spend about 5 minutes each night before I go to bed to pray for $40,000 and the power of flight.

35. Submit an entry for the next “Chicken Soup For the Christian Grandmother’s Soul.”

36. Go number 1 in twelve different states.

37. Go number 2 in six different ones.

38. Oh, and some more Del Taco. That stuff is pretty tasty (See #2.)

39. Start researching my family history and genealogy so I can be positively sure that I don’t have a drop of dirty, Lithuanian blood.

40. Enroll in a few night school classes at the community college…or just go on a sorority house panty raid.

41. Finish filling out all the necessary paperwork to legally change my name to Matty B. Exceptional.

42. Buy the lake house that I’ve always wanted and fill it with cocaine and tranny hookers.

43. Coach a basketball team of underprivileged, dyslexic, paraplegic middle school kids.

44. Bone down with each of their mothers.

45. Try to become the first person from Missouri to win the Nobel Prize…for gettin’ in a chick’s pants!

46. During a two week span, eat nothing but Hostess brand Chocolate Pudding Pies.

47. Get my ride “pimped,” my truck “tricked” and my house “flipped.”

48. Do some science experiments and see if I can’t find a cure for either rabies or scabies.

49. Stop what I’m doing whenever I see a school bus hurtling down the street out of control and save all the children that aren’t ugly.

50. Bone down with each of their mothers.

51. Overcome my debilitating speech impediment and record a Grammy winning duet with Chingy.

52. Try to get out of the house a little more often so I can go on a worldwide search for a lamp containing a sexy genie.

53. Adopt a dog from a Greyhound rescue service, dress it up in a tiny dog tuxedo and make it be my butler.

54. Make more of an effort to get involved in hilarious japery and/or tomfoolery.

55. Organize a local group of political activists to get all those damn Whigs and Free Masons out of city council.

56. Take a much needed break from my job as a trucker, make amends with my estranged son and win the national arm wrestling championship.

57. Stop neglecting my aging grandmother so I can horn in on some sweet inheritance action.

58. Bone down with her Hispanic nurse.
59. Work my way up the National Scrabble rankings, make it all the way to the finals and then play the word “BONEDOG.”

60. Re-watch Jurassic Park 2. Maybe it’s not as bad as I remember.

61. Start saving some money for retirement, put a down payment on a nice home and settle down with one of those San Diego Charger cheerleaders that I’ve been seeing on the TV.

62. Using only elbow grease, hard work and old fashioned American ingenuity, try and find a way to get drunk faster.

63. Rescue a chimpanzee from a zoo and train him to be a Kentucky Derby caliber jockey.

64. Dust off the old cam-corder and try to get myself on “America’s Funniest People.”

65. Actually take a stance for once in my life and speak out against the senseless genocide currently going on in Rwanda.

66. Become left-handed.

67. That episode of “Walker Texas Ranger,” where Walker needs to thwart a terrorist attack so he visits a kooky old inventor and then uses a jet pack to get to the top of a roof, I want to do that.

68. Get myself into good enough shape to make it onto a major league baseball team and then set the single-season record for bunts.

69. Blog more

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Folks, I read it in the latest issue of J-14 that sometimes it’s okay to forget about other people’s feelings for a little while and to just let out your claws, be a bit of a bitch and vent about what’s a-peevin’ ya. Some of my bloggin buddies have done this before, making people frozen and even Joel Rolling them. Now, I’d like to follow in their footsteps by banishing a few things all the way to the back of The Crain Train and into my caboose. I’m not really a train expert, so I’m not sure if it is entirely accurate to put things that I think are bad and unwanted in the caboose. Maybe the caboose is actually a pretty desireable place to be, where only the best and the brightest are allowed to hob-nob with eachother whilest riding the rails. I really don’t know. But the bottom line is that if I’m driving the train, there are a definitely a few things that I want as far away from me as possible, and that’s why they’re going in the caboose. The other bottom line is that “caboose” is a funny word.

But enough chit-chat, let’s find out what’s in The Crain Train’s Caboose!

The Person(s) Who Bought My Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)

A few years ago I made one of the worst and least thought out decisions that I ever made in my life. After making the life-choice to pick up and move away from the comfort of my familiar midwestern haunt, I felt it was abosolutely necessary that I get rid of any un-needed wares as well as amass the greatest some of money that I possibly could. “What better way to do this than to sell some of my personal belongings on the internet?”, I hastally and stupidly thought. My collection of NES games, while not enormous, was definitely one that could fetch a pretty penny on the ebays. ‘Twas a collection peppered with Mega Mans, sprinkled with Tetris-es (Tetri?), littered with Marios and Zeldas, filled with Duck Tales and Rescue Rangers, and topped of with a delightful helping of Bubble Bobble. I placed the hefty lot on EBAY and over the course of a weekend watch the bidding price rise skyward, nearly reaching a cool 200 bones. And just like that, the auction ended and I was packing up my beloved gaming machine and sending in northward all the way to Canada. I sold it to a freakin’ Canadian! And not even a regular gun-totin’, beer-drinkin’ Canadian, but a native of Quebec. A French Canadian! How could this greedy and heartless Canuck stoop so low as to have bid on a lot of precious retro gaming cargo that was obviously posted for sale by someone not in a normal state of mind? I would almost venture call this heinous act the work of a sick and demented criminal mind, one that has absolutely no regard for importance of nostalgia and innocence of children. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my precious NES, and not a day goes by that I don’t place the blame me not having it on the dirtied hands of the Canadian(s) that are now in possession of it. Until I track you down and take back what is rightfully mine, I am banishing you to the Crain Train’s Caboose!

The Future of TV

Don’t know if ya’ll have heard the news, but TV broadcasting is going all futuristic and digitized next year. As some of you may know, the tube that is currently perched atop a dresser in my cozy, studio apartment has wood paneling on it, i.e. it ain’t gonna be able to play fancy-pants digital channels! Sure, my TV doesn’t go more than 2 minutes without making a loud static sound and cutting in and out repeatedly, usually during the pivitol plays of sporting contests or during the funniest lines of Seinfeld episodes, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t completely love the old girl. I take a lot of pride in owning the very same TV that I used to inconspicuosly sneek peeks of softcore Cinemax porn on more than a decade ago. And now the big-wigs and the TV lobbyists over in Washington want to render my beloved Panesonic completely useless. Damn you straight to hell! And not only that, they also want to hand me a hefty bill in the process. On top of the cost of having to buy a new, flat-screened, high-definitioned, big-assed TV that will probably break down just after the warranty expires, I’m also gonna have to upgrade every other piece of electronic material that I own. My trusty old Toshiba DVD player circa 1998? Nope, can’t use it, the fat-cats say I’ll need a HD compatable “Blue Ray” disc machine. And my trusty cable wire that I use as a crude antenna? Nope, gonna have to by a fancy digital box, a fancy digital remote and some fancy digital channels. When it’s all said and done after the US of A officially makes “the switch,” the Crain Train is going to 1 large in the hole. And it’s for this reason that the future of TV is being commanded straight back into in the Crain Train’s Caboose. Maybe you can get that damned Canuck to plug MY NES into ya!

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