Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for October, 2008

Folks, I read it in the latest issue of J-14 that sometimes it’s okay to forget about other people’s feelings for a little while and to just let out your claws, be a bit of a bitch and vent about what’s a-peevin’ ya. Some of my bloggin buddies have done this before, making people frozen and even Joel Rolling them. Now, I’d like to follow in their footsteps by banishing a few things all the way to the back of The Crain Train and into my caboose. I’m not really a train expert, so I’m not sure if it is entirely accurate to put things that I think are bad and unwanted in the caboose. Maybe the caboose is actually a pretty desireable place to be, where only the best and the brightest are allowed to hob-nob with eachother whilest riding the rails. I really don’t know. But the bottom line is that if I’m driving the train, there are a definitely a few things that I want as far away from me as possible, and that’s why they’re going in the caboose. The other bottom line is that “caboose” is a funny word.

But enough chit-chat, let’s find out what’s in The Crain Train’s Caboose!

The Person(s) Who Bought My Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)

A few years ago I made one of the worst and least thought out decisions that I ever made in my life. After making the life-choice to pick up and move away from the comfort of my familiar midwestern haunt, I felt it was abosolutely necessary that I get rid of any un-needed wares as well as amass the greatest some of money that I possibly could. “What better way to do this than to sell some of my personal belongings on the internet?”, I hastally and stupidly thought. My collection of NES games, while not enormous, was definitely one that could fetch a pretty penny on the ebays. ‘Twas a collection peppered with Mega Mans, sprinkled with Tetris-es (Tetri?), littered with Marios and Zeldas, filled with Duck Tales and Rescue Rangers, and topped of with a delightful helping of Bubble Bobble. I placed the hefty lot on EBAY and over the course of a weekend watch the bidding price rise skyward, nearly reaching a cool 200 bones. And just like that, the auction ended and I was packing up my beloved gaming machine and sending in northward all the way to Canada. I sold it to a freakin’ Canadian! And not even a regular gun-totin’, beer-drinkin’ Canadian, but a native of Quebec. A French Canadian! How could this greedy and heartless Canuck stoop so low as to have bid on a lot of precious retro gaming cargo that was obviously posted for sale by someone not in a normal state of mind? I would almost venture call this heinous act the work of a sick and demented criminal mind, one that has absolutely no regard for importance of nostalgia and innocence of children. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my precious NES, and not a day goes by that I don’t place the blame me not having it on the dirtied hands of the Canadian(s) that are now in possession of it. Until I track you down and take back what is rightfully mine, I am banishing you to the Crain Train’s Caboose!

The Future of TV

Don’t know if ya’ll have heard the news, but TV broadcasting is going all futuristic and digitized next year. As some of you may know, the tube that is currently perched atop a dresser in my cozy, studio apartment has wood paneling on it, i.e. it ain’t gonna be able to play fancy-pants digital channels! Sure, my TV doesn’t go more than 2 minutes without making a loud static sound and cutting in and out repeatedly, usually during the pivitol plays of sporting contests or during the funniest lines of Seinfeld episodes, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t completely love the old girl. I take a lot of pride in owning the very same TV that I used to inconspicuosly sneek peeks of softcore Cinemax porn on more than a decade ago. And now the big-wigs and the TV lobbyists over in Washington want to render my beloved Panesonic completely useless. Damn you straight to hell! And not only that, they also want to hand me a hefty bill in the process. On top of the cost of having to buy a new, flat-screened, high-definitioned, big-assed TV that will probably break down just after the warranty expires, I’m also gonna have to upgrade every other piece of electronic material that I own. My trusty old Toshiba DVD player circa 1998? Nope, can’t use it, the fat-cats say I’ll need a HD compatable “Blue Ray” disc machine. And my trusty cable wire that I use as a crude antenna? Nope, gonna have to by a fancy digital box, a fancy digital remote and some fancy digital channels. When it’s all said and done after the US of A officially makes “the switch,” the Crain Train is going to 1 large in the hole. And it’s for this reason that the future of TV is being commanded straight back into in the Crain Train’s Caboose. Maybe you can get that damned Canuck to plug MY NES into ya!

Read Full Post »

Well, I’m not sure if all of you were aware of this, but books are AMAZING things! They can expand your mind, take you to far off lands, make you look a lot smarter than you actually are, help to more evenly distribute the weight in your backpack when you are trying to carry one with a computer in it, give you something to set your beer one when you’re too cheap to buy real coasters, and even teach you things for a few minutes until you get completely destracted by the television and forget everything that you just read because odds are you probably weren’t really paying attention anyway. But now, books can do another thing: unite people! It’s become quite the rage now for city and state governments as well as libraries of all sizes to try and get all of their literate constituency to vote on a book and then, (get ready for it,) READ it together! What a brave and noble experiment. Imagine, a whole city immersed in the taut, air-craft carrier themed dramas of Clive Cussler. Or a whole office not talking about assinine things they watched on the television while standing around the water cooler, but instead discussing the bestselling memoir of a young college student struggling with an eating disorder who will six months later appear on “Tyra” and admit to making it all up. Or even imagine how grand it will be when an entire state buys a copy of Janet Evanovich’s newest masterpiece and in turn buys Janet Evanovich a fifth home. Even my great state has dipped it’s proverbial paws into the proverbial kettle and introduced the One Book AZ. I voted for The Oatman Massacre!

Well, folks, I think that this is just the just the thing for this here blog, so I’ve decided to jump on board (or jump on the “tracks” as it is.) What better way to bring my legion of readers together by letting them all vote on a book and then promptly forget about because they want to look up some new porno?

So I welcome all of you to keep reading and help me decide which book we will all be devouring in “The Crain Train’s Reading Lounge”. I’ve picked out four absolutely delicous pieces of literature which cover the entire gamut, from non-fiction all the way to fiction (ok, not really that big of a gamut.) Anyways, here are the nominees:

1. Why Cat’s Paint

Talk about expanding your mind, prepared to get completely freaked the F out after reading just a few pages of this excellent analysis of the feline asthetic. Busch and Silver, the authors of this groundbreaking tome, provide plenty of pictures and plenty of fantastic insight into not only why cats paint, but how damn cute and funny it is to see a bunch of cats with paing all over their paws. How did they open up those cans of paint!? B. and S. even go as far as to introduce the reader to the 10 most influencial cat artists, and you would be hard pressed to find a more complete collection of paint hastilly scrawled across a refridgerator. Some may consider this book a little to “artsy” or “fartsy” or “complete bullshit” for their taste, but I truely believe that the question of “Why cats paint?” is one of the most important issues facing this world today. And did I mention the litterbox art?

2. The Ski Mask Way

The only novel on this list is sure to be an absoltute delightful read for any lover of American prose. A few years ago, 50 Cent decided to get in the big money game of “urban fiction,” and this novel is one of the absolute best entries in the great poet’s “G-Unit” book series. It tells the chilling and incredibly relatable tale of Seven, an ex-con just out of the clink and facing the harsh reality of having to choose between getting back in the game or living the life of a square. Follow along as Seven shoots, steals, impregnates, uses realistically foul language and talks about Scarface. And don’t think that the excellent narrative of the book is the only reason to read this; nope, the commonplace mis-spellings, the bizarre story structure and seemingly complete disregard for tense and word usage may cause you to question the very notion of editing. As you read The Ski Mask Way, you may just find yourself asking, “Who’s really wearing the mask?” And obviously the answer to that question would be the book’s main character.

3. Black Belt Patriotism

The second non-fiction entry of this list, and I can’t think of a more fitting book to be reading during these harsh economic and politically unstable times. No one can deny that this great nation is way up in the crapper right now, and it seems to me that it is our duty as Americans to listen to Mr. Norris’ suggestions of how we can fix our country’s problems (I’m guessing by punching and kicking things really hard) and how we may just be able to get this land back into the hands of the people by doing things the “Chuck Norris way.” The Texas Ranger campaigned for Mike Huckabee this spring, so I think we can all be quite confident that his stances, veiwpoints and suggestions are that of a sane and rational human being. And even if they aren’t, it’s fucking Chuck Norris in a karate stance on the top of some mountain or something. It’s gonna be complete gold!

4. Complete Idiot’s Guide to Slam Poetry

If any of you readers want to learn a fun and exciting new skill, one that will almost certainly get you “snapped” at in unison, then you may want to consider voting for this book. The fast and crazy world of Slam Poetry (bam! slam!) isn’t for all walks of life, but I’m pretty sure that this bald guy on the cover will be able to guide you through all of the twist and turns and have you performing in front of 12 people in a coffee shop in no time. As I mentioned earlier (I think, I can’t really recall because this post is redonkulously long) books have the power to teach you stuff, and what a fantastic skill Slam Poetry would be to learn. Imagine showing off your new skills at all your family gatherings. “I am AFRICA! SLAM!” Fantastic.

Well, that’s it folks, thems are your choices. What will we all be reading this month? It’s in your hands. And by that I mean make a few comments in the designated “comment” section below and then don’t ever mention it again. Lord knows that I wont.

Read Full Post »

June 30th, 1991

(Green Hill Zone Act II)

Dear Diary,

It’s been 3 days now since I first entered this “zone” of lush hills and emerald-colored forests and I still as of yet know not why I am here or even how I came to be placed upon this perilous isle.  The dangers that I haved encountered here have been quite vexing and of a nature that a simple hedgehog like myself could not have dreamed of in even one thousand lifetimes.   Hovering mechanical dragonflies, crab-like robots and even computer programmed primates are all commonplace in this bizzarre land.  And while they have proven to be no real match for my blazing speed or my nimble “spin-dashing,” I fear that challenges of a much more dangerous nature lay ahead of me, although at this point there is quite little that I can be certain of.

Along the way I have inadvertantly managed to liberate several birds, squirrels and other tiny critters who were entombed in the aforementioned mechanical baddies and I have heard many utter the name of “Doctor Robotnik.”  As far as if the person that they speak of is a benevolent healer or a mad genius, I do not know, and I dare not venture a guess at this stage of the game.  But I have made it a goal to someday meet this Doctor, and with some luck he may be able to answer my quandries and perhaps aide in my escape of this strange land, although only time will tell.

Perhaps this Doctor Robotnik values the gold rings that I have collected over the past few days, and maybe he will trade me his knowledge for these tangible treasures?  I would love to write more of this zone’s perplezxing geograpic features, such as it’s pieces of giant looping terrain, it’s platforms that seem to be floating back and forth on thier own free will and even the rocks with springing devices affixed to them.  But, alas, the sun is waning and I shant leave myself unsheltered through the night.  Perhaps, God-willing, I will survive long enough to transcribe my adventures in this crudely made logbook once again.

Godspeed,

S.the H.

Read Full Post »